Tuesday, December 13, 2011


I wonder if I should write on my blog for the meantime. Typing is a torture. I continue to have pain. And I don't want to depress my readers with my pain.

Every day I pray. All day long. Especially at night when at everthing is at it's worst.

I can hardly work. But I am hopeful do continue doing this blog. I want to contribute my story to MMK and to Star Cinema. And I want to write a book. With modern technology this can be done.

My prayers at night are varied...of frustration and of hope, of thanksgiving and of despair, of pain and of relief, of gratefulness to my mom and gratititude to Mama Mary, from wanting to go and from staying on to fulfill my mission...a kalleidoscope of desperation, hopes and dreams. My mind is all mixed up.

But I know in the end that God willl fix up everything. There will be tranquility.

I amwell-loved. Almost daily I get visitors to give me hope, consolation, presence also food and financial blessings. I am not able to digest the food yet but I am grateful for the thought. So, I pray for my visitors and they almost always cry. It is my gift to them. Because gratititude is all I can give at this points. Yest my life is one big thank you!

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Hearts That Hurt, A Seemingly Never-ending Pain

I was hospitalized for about 9 days. And it seems that the torture continues. I keep crying and crying. My multiple myeloma has worsened. More symptoms have emerged. Vomitting. Low appetite. Chest pains so severe I have to cry. My bipolar disorder is evident. Part of me is longing only for the will of God. Another part wants to "let go" already. I have started calling up and informing friends that when the time comes, my sister shall contact them.

An incident stands out. I was praying the Hail Mary. Then I fell into a deep sleep. It was peace.

I contacted a friend and she wanted to cry for me. And what better reason for her love for me when she could not tell me that it was her son's wedding!.

Thank You, Lord, for the blessings amidst the pains.