Saturday, May 30, 2009

Conspiracy of Grace

This has been a nice day.

Finished two reports with the help of my assistant.

My sister and niece visited me. My sister "cleaned" my hair and removed white hair. We talked about a lot of stuff.

I learned a new term today "conspiracy of grace". From what I gathered, it may be defined as when God conspires with the universe to give you the exact blessing that you need when you need it - all is asked is that you be gracious enough to receive the blessing and recognize it for what it is... a gift of God. If this were so, then my life is one loooong story and example of conspiracy of grace. Every minute, every second...God has showered me with blessings - obvious and "disguised". And it is my realization that the greatest blessings are the disguised ones because they are like surprise gifts hidden inside an ugly package.

When people learned that I have third stage cancer of the bone marrow, I various reactions but the two most common ones were: "You can do it! You have hurdled other trials before!" and "Poor Nimia! Hasn't she suffered enough in life? Hasn't she gone through enough adversity already?"

Yes, indeed, storms are not alien to me. A failed marriage and failed romantic relationships, a bi-polar mood disorder condition that has led to no less than 15 hospitalizations and confinements in half-way homes, a long bout of bedriddenness which everybody thought was "sciatica" (but which may be a misdiagnosis), other illnesses like diabetes, and now, the big C.

I can do it! Yes and no. My loved ones and friends are right. If I was able to survive all the other storms in my life and used these storms to inspire and bless others, they can rest assured that I shall use this new trial to likewise inspire and bless others. Let my life be a living witness to others on how to face extreme problems.

But no, I cannot do it alone. That is why, I practically broadcasted it to the world - in person, by phone, by text, by email, through Facebook, etc. that I have this dreaded disease. Why? Because I knew the power of prayer and boy, do I need prayers to get me through this one. For it will not go away quickly. I have to face reality. So, friends and loved ones, do keep praying for me.

And of course, as always, I need God. I've always needed God during my times of sorrow and pain and suffering. But I am ashamed to say that despite God's magnanimity towards me, I have sinned against Him so grievously in the past. How ungrateful of me! And so whenever I commit sin, I cannot wait to make things right between us and to avail of the Sacrament of Reconciliation as soon as possible. My last confession was with a bishop, no less. I resolve to commit no more mortal sins and avoid all venial sins from now on.

Conspiracy of grace. With all these, God is conspiring with the universe to mold me into the child He envisioned me to be even before I was born. He is conspiring to make me a saint such as He is conspiring to make you and everybody else a saint. Because a saint is no one but a person who loves God so dearly that he/she must love other people, too. I need not be a canonized saint, but a saint with such a definition I resolve to be.

Thank You, Lord, for Your grace.

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