Funny Quotes

As a writer and speaker, I collect quotations. In this post, I am sharing some of those which I find funny and added my own version or comments (in parentheses). Here they are:

"Life is short, eat dessert first" (If I do that, life will indeed be short...I'm diabetic.)

"Don't let schooling interfere with your education." - Mark Twain (But you still have to pay the tuition fee)

"Remember, in regard to writing, imitation might be the best form of flattery but they get the check if they publish it first." - Catherine (Imitation in writing is a form of plagiarism, dearie)

"The difference between the almost right word and the right word is...the difference between the lightning bug and the lightning." - Mark Twain (The difference between the almost right word and the right word is...the difference between the ladybug and the lady.)

"If your ears are burning, someone is talking about you. If your ears are itchy, they are dirty" -- Ellen DeGeneres (If you bite your tongue, someone is thinking of you. If you keep biting your tongue, you're the one thinking of that someone.)

"If life is a piece of cake...how come I only get to lick the frosting?" - Doug "Hollywood" Davis (If life is a piece of cake...it has to be sugar-free for diabetics like me!)

"I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off me, you two!" - Emo Phillips (I discovered that my husband had another woman, and I was devastated...meaning, I went to de-vas-tation and rode a "vas".)

"Bad spelers of the world...UNTIE!" (Bad spelers of the world...use spellcheck!)

"Remember, the direction of your life is more important than its speed." (So men, learn to ask for directions!)

Let me end with:

"I don't want to gain immortality by my humor. I want to gain immortality by not dying." - Woody Allen (I don't want to gain immortality by my humor. I want to die...of laughter.)